I’ve had Black Holes and Revelations on constantly for the last couple of days, in an effort to stop myself from singing. My voice gets overtired easily when I’m singing constantly in the upper reaches of my range, which isn’t something I want in the midst of auditions. The drawback from this kind of musical therapy is that I really, really, really want to do something that rocks; as opposed to trilling and gliding around near A6, I want to play an instrument and sing, furiously, until my vocal cords want to bleed. Lucien suggested that I’m not cut out for harder music – we’ll see.
Yesterday I spent the entire day with Lucien, being the perfect girlfriend. Despite the fact that I was feeling miserable, I went with him to visit his cousins, helped him pick out his sister’s birthday present, acted as secretary by making a million important calls on his behalf while he was driving, accompanied him to his audition for moral support, made him dinner, then stayed up all night helping with the more creative aspects of the present. I was still in bed this morning when he called me, showering me with love and verbal affection… it was incredibly nice. There is something bad happening at the moment with a friend which has been emotionally exhausting me and driving a bit of a wedge between Lucien and I, so it’s nice to know that my man still adores me as much as I adore him. (everyone – your cue to vomit)
Something I have been thinking about lately is the idea of self-improvement. People left, right and centre are jumping on the bandwagon – going to point of referring to themselves as two different people; i.e. “the new me” and “the old me”. In my opinion, this is rubbish. Self-improvement or betterment doesn’t describe what is happening to these people – they are not taking themselves and improving upon it, they are basically just remoulding the parts of themselves they present to the public, based on what they think the public wants. I have nothing against self-improvement – as some past entries have read, I am very much a proponent of self-betterment. However, I tend to take a different approach – I like to amplify the aspects of myself that I like the most, and shrink the bits I like least. As opposed to basing the shrinking and amplification on what I think certain other people want. Change is good, but you can’t please everybody – and if this is what change is based on, people will end up disappointing those they tried to please, and ultimately themselves.
This view has been very controversial; a lot of my friends are turning into completely different people. For most it’s understandable – they have moved away from their homes, all their friends, to new universities. They manage to change in ways that maintain their integrity and the things that make them a decent person, even if we no longer have so much in common. Some have no excuse, and purposefully strip themselves of all redeeming qualities. It’s these ones that leave me so emotionally exhausted.
I shouldn’t be venting here, but talking to anybody else is not really an option. I’m a pacifist, and this is really my first experience of friend-wars. During high school, I was aloof, disconnected and distant – I had several social circles that I was a valued member of, but I would float in, out and between the groups at my leisure. Of course there were the groups that viewed me as a freak, but I just didn’t concern myself with them. My unavailability made me a popular commodity in my groups, which was nice, but there was also a practical reason for my distance – I avoided all the junk that went on. “You slept with my boyfriend!”, “I can’t believe you picked up my brother!” and “How dare you tell everybody about that thing!”.. I was spared all the crappy warring and bitching and pathetic iciness that went on in high school.
So now I am embroiled in something that I am completely unprepared to fight, and it is such a weight to carry. I can tell it’s about to come to a head; I almost don’t care about the outcome, I just want to not be affected by it anymore.
Elle said,
July 14, 2007 at 12:00 am
Self improvement isn’t rubbish. It’s the real intentions behind self improvement that can be depending on the person.
Ben and I discuss things like this all the time. If I decide to change anything about myself, the reasons behind it would be purely to live a more “ethical” existence (and yes I am aware there exists no universal set of ethics).My basic idea of my “ethical existence” is: I live life to enjoy it myself, and to contribute positively to and not limit the enjoyment of others.
Anything I do to improve myself to others usually goes along the lines of selflessness, tolerance and respect for my fellow earthlings. I don’t see this as me trying to make myself a more likable person, or trying to be popular etc. because I think those are shitty reasons for self-improvement. These are simply ways in which I can be a selfless person and contribute positively to the lives around me that I affect. Aww.
. I don’t need other peoples’ approval…I’ve spent most of my life unpopular, why would I start trying now? It’s not the quantity of my friends that is important…it’s the quality.
Things I do to improve myself aesthetically, or in terms of my music, art etc. are purely for my own enjoyment. I enjoy knowing I’m great without needing to be told so
As I said, self-improvement is not a bullshit concept. But I think that improving yourself purely for the outcome of more friends, popularity, or to simply appear “cool” or attractive is bullshit. People who “improve” themselves for these reasons are usually insecure people who need that kind of approval to feel worthy….or just need a big hug. If you’re going to go about improving yourself, it should be a personal journey, and that journey has to begin with accepting and loving who you are…without other people assuring you of it.
Social climbers are annoying and everyone knows it. Please people, the world needs less assholes.
Oh and Rose…you’ve changed!
-Elle
Elle said,
July 14, 2007 at 12:02 am
Wow what an essay of a comment. Anyway, I forgot to mention that in relation the the conflict you are embroiled in I will give you this advice:
People aren’t going to respond to you being angry and irrational. God knows I don’t. Rational explanation and discussion without too many emotional over reactions is likely to be more effective than anger, emotional outbursts and snideness.
Be nice, but firm!
And may the force of the holy hot-dog be with you…
Syar said,
July 16, 2007 at 2:57 pm
I sort of envy you your high school experience. My years pursuing secondary education was ALL drama. We had a play every year except for my third and my fifth and there was drama while we were practicing drama. In my first and second years, the drama was a nice way to while away the dull days and tedium. It was pleasant cause it was superficial and we all got over it fairly easily. As dramatic people, my friends and I have only increased in volume, magnitude, quality and quantity when it comes to personal and public crises. We’re talkers, so every other day we’re talk-talk-talking about an old drama that we’ve built on so caringly like layers of a pearl. When we hit our thirties, we’ll have one mo-effin’ monster of a pearl, excuse my French.
Self improvement (or my favourite term for it – self actualization) is something I’ve been conscious of ever since I read about it in Princess Diaries (sad but true). I never think I’ve achieved whatever self-actualizing goal I’ve set out for myself though, but on my good days, I quite like the person I am so I must not be doing too bad. I hope to never use the words “old me” or “new me”. The day I can say “me me”, I’ll be happy.
P.S : Good job making me envious of you and your man.
Rose said,
July 16, 2007 at 6:02 pm
Elle – Gah.. you’ve changed! But I sort of agree, but in a less angry teenager sort of way.
Syar – Sounds like brilliant fun though!! At least they sound like interesting dramas, rather than the kind of bitch-slapping rubbish we had at my all-girls high school. I love the fact that you are a dramatic person – I am too! It annoys some people, but life is much more fun when everything is dramatic, I think. In high school I needed to get away from the drama because it was so negative, all the time.
And, I like “you you”!
syar said,
July 18, 2007 at 2:29 pm
I’m a drama leech. I am the loudspeaker through which my friends dramas are broadcasted. It’s a role I’m comfortable with. I was in an all-girls high school too, and the dramas I just heard of and wasn’t really a part of was rubbish too. Delicious, juicy rubbish but you’re talking to someone who’s addicted to the E! Entertainment Channel.
And awww.