Had a horrid night. Seems that slapping on a pretty dress and a smile did not work. I couldn’t sleep and ended up brooding all night, and consequently keeping Sebastian up.. all night. Gah.
Metamorphosis
October 30, 2007 at 3:15 pm (geelong, lucien, moving, moving on, sebastian, smiles, summer, tommy audition)
I auditioned for Tommy on the weekend, and I seriously doubt I will even make chorus. It was the worst audition ever.. a member of the production team said something hideously confrontational (albeit jokingly) that absolutely threw me, and I was already uncomfortable with the fact that I was having an asthma-ish day, slightly hungover (obviously my fault), and having to belt after doing nothing but uber-high legit soprano stuff all through The Mikado. I was nervous, shaky and said “sorry” far too many times. I’m angry at myself, at someone else, and at the world in general. It has been a whole two days since the audition, and I’m still stewing and brooding and fuming and beating myself up.
I’m trying really hard not to think about it all, so of course I was up all last night thinking about it all. And not sleeping.
After the actual audition, Sebastian cheered me up. It was a strange dynamic, because I was absolutely desolate whereas he was exuberant to say the least. His audition went fantastically and I am so proud of him. If he doesn’t get a lead, I’ll be very surprised. Then angry! But anyway, we got ice cream and went to the beach. The sun was shining, it was incredibly windy without being cold, and the grass in the shade was so inviting. Amidst hugs and kisses and magical conversation, I managed to put it all out of my mind and feel the happiest I have felt in such a long time. As Sebastian put it, “ice cream, the beach, my love smiling at me.. everything is just perfect”.
I am so excited about summer. The heat and the sunshine make me happy, and there are so many magical things that you can do in summer that are a bit impossible in winter. I love the beach, after dark. I love music late at night, drifting through the open air. I love wearing next to nothing and feeling gentle breezes kiss my skin.
I guess I don’t have to move to Italy after all.
Other than all that, I am moving, on Saturday, back to my hometown. It feels a little bit like a defeat, like “Rose can’t hack it in the big city” sort of thing. Well, I can’t. I can’t handle being so far from family and friends, feeling isolated, being totally financially adrift in a relatively expensive city, having to battle it out with professionals for every job I want, et cetera. There is too much here in Melbourne, and I don’t feel like a bit enough person to handle it all right now.
When I go back to Geelong nowadays, I feel empowered; almost like some sort of super celebrity gracing a regional city with a rare appearance. It’s so stupid, but my awkward loftiness suits me better now that I’ve been away for two years. I love going to the supermarket in Geelong, with big sunglasses and a detached manner… people stare at me. When I was in high school, people would stare and I would immediately project all my insecurities on to them: “Ewww, look at that absolute frumpster over there. She’s so fat/ugly/stupid/weird/awkward”. When I was in high school, there were people who were not very nice to me. People who said horrible things about me, and made me think that it would actually be better for everybody if I died. It’s funny, because these people were absolute peasants whose opinion shouldn’t have meant anything to me. My little hiatus in Melbourne has made me realize that I am so much better than that. When I’m back there now, I’m not afraid to go out and about without shaving my legs, or with dirty hair, or laugh ostentatiously. Because I really don’t give a damn what the majority of those people think anymore.
Is there value in being mysterious? I think I am too open for my own good. Not here, this is my sanctuary, but in general.
Your ex moving on and you being genuinely happy for them
How do you measure up?
This is something else. There has been debate over at Thinking Music about this, involving my ex, funnily enough. It’s strange that two people who were formerly so closely attuned can be so completely out of sync on the same thing. That leads me to think: were we ever as ‘right for each other’ as we thought we were, when we were together? Now that all is irrecoverably over, all of our incompatibilities and intrinsic problems are so much easier to see. Looking at the truth of the matter, with all passion removed (as it is now), it is so easy to say, “There were good times, yes, but the people we are right now are not meant to be together. The relationship isn’t meant to be anymore.” I don’t think that the statement is a good yardstick to measure how you have moved on from your ex – other people don’t need to be involved. I’m not sure what a better yardstick is, but I know I have moved on, because I can look back without regret.
In a physical sense, he has moved on to the next person. I wish them well, and feel absolutely no jealousy. For her sake, because she is a lovely person, I seriously hope that he is not using her to fill the void left by me.
But enough of that. Today has been a little bit of a slump – work has jerked me around again (but I’m about to jerk them around by telling them that I’m moving), I didn’t sleep last night and I am craving something vitamin-rich to eat. However, I am going to have a long shower, put on a pretty dress and do my hair. Then I will traipse into the city to meet the man who makes my heart smile, and we will laugh and hug and go to dinner for Alicia’s birthday, and all will be well.
It’s Over!
October 23, 2007 at 2:08 am (anger, mikado, sebastian)
Anger: That post just got deleted twice, by accident, as I pressed backspace. Usually I would have given up by now, but this post has a purpose! There is something I need to get off my chest.
The Mikado is over. I’m not quite sure whether I’m in a state yet to write about it; it’s not quite settled in my mind. Photos, reviews and the like will be forthcoming. Now that it is over, there is a huge inescapable void in my days. Normally this would be filled up with rehearsing and shows, but now.. nothing.
Unfortunately, this has given rise to an opportunity for me to brood. Something not quite nice happened at the after-show party which has been eating at me since. Realistically, I should get over it, but the unoccupied mind is a dangerous thing.
Basically, there was a girl in the cast who decided that getting absolutely smashed, disintegrating into a crying puddle and being thoroughly depressed was the best way to contribute to the general merriment of the night. I can’t begrudge her for that – she is 16 and recently went through a nasty break-up which shattered the few vestiges of self-esteem that she had. Sebastian and I were doing the rounds and saying goodbye to the various pockets of partygoers, when I took it upon myself to cheer her up. I hugged her, wiped away her tears, kissed her on the cheek and told her she was gorgeous, organized water and a place to sleep for her, quashed all her self-doubts, and filled her up with ideas on how to do the things she has always wanted to do, and made tentative plans to have her over for videos. I was probably nicer to her than I have been to my own sister in her hours of need. This is probably why I am so irritated by the way in which she repaid me. I was hugging this girl, when Sebastian came up behind me to give us both a hug. Being taller than me, she leant over my shoulder to receive a peck on the cheek from Sebastian when she went in for a proper kiss. With my boyfriend, while he was hugging me and I was hugging her. Lips and tongue everywhere apparently, and then he pulled away, and pulled me away home. My head was on her shoulder the whole time, so I was blissfully unaware of what was happening.
He told me later what had happened, sharing my sentiment of “how dare she”. I realize that she was drunk, but sources tell me that she wasn’t that drunk that she lacked control over her actions. I am angry at her, but it’s almost socially unacceptable for me to be openly angry at her – she could easily plead the “I can’t remember” card, making me into a hard-hearted cow. Her behaviour towards Sebastian for the entire rehearsal period made me uncomfortable, but I tried to rationalize it and justify it. I’m not even going to try to explain this away – the only reason I am not going to direct my anger openly towards her is because she was drunk.
I suppose I am just annoyed that for giving her almost an hour of my night when I really just wanted to go to bed, some of the kindest words I have ever said to anybody and allowing her to snot all over the front of my favourite silk dress (which is probably ruined now, and makes me want to cry), she repays me by trying to make out with my boyfriend. It’s low, and I’m annoyed.
And.. I am emotionally exhausted. I will probably post at least a billion times tomorrow.. there won’t be much else to do.
Ah Pedro, ah Pedro
October 5, 2007 at 3:38 am (faith, hope, mikado, mozart, self-destruction)
Elle is upstairs at the moment, in the middle of the night, watching Amadeus. Possibly one of my most favourite films ever – from the time I was a baby, my parents would play Mozart to me whenever we went in the car. I grew up being able to hum piano concertos on cue, being able to pick out all the different simultaneous phrases in Requiem, knowing vague and childish approximations of Italian and German words.
Elle and Vince used to make up these English approximations too - an aria from Rusalka (I think it’s a song to the moon, or something) has an ascending crescendo that Vince was absolutely certain was, “Oh save me bottom, oh save me bottom, oh save meeeee bum!” He would not only recognize but sing his new lyrics with the recording every time it came to that part of the tape.
I had a horrid rehearsal tonight. Now could best be described as (albeit pretensiously) a wasteland of thwarted hopes, and the show has recently been a sort of relief. I’m not sure if the director is being hard on me purposely, or maybe I am just putting on a pathetic performance. If he is trying to get the best out of me, it’s not working – I am losing heart. The other principals are being praised now almost every rehearsal, with words of praise like “fantastic”, “great” and “you’ve really lifted/turned a corner/given it something extra”. I am chastized for frowning too much, and having “spastic arms” ”darting eyes”. Funny, the choreographer told me to do those arms and those eyes! I really don’t know what else to do now.. it’s so stupid, and I should just learn to accept criticism.
I don’t know. I am feeling so incapable right now; every rehearsal I try my hardest to play the straight character in a show full of huge personalities, every rehearsal there are a million and one problems with what I’m doing. It’s now a week until opening night, and my head is filled with visions of me getting hit by a bus and breaking both my legs, or having a massive and grotesque allergic reaction to black hair dye, or falling into the orchestra pit, or having my vocal chords ripped out by a tiger. Just not sure how many more times I can handle my best not being good enough, and then having to try again.
This little journal of mine is taking a decidedly somber tone, I have noticed. To people who read it, I am sorry. But it would be dishonest if it was still filled with sunshine and flowers right now. I just have this overwhelming feeling of warding off an absolute collapse.
I have noticed something in the language that Sebastian uses when talking about the future. Instead of we could or might, we will. I love it – the way that he can have (almost) unwavering faith in things working out in the end. I was watching Hillary & Jackie with Elle, and there is a particularly poignant scene at the end where grown up Jacqueline du Pre is talking to herself as a child – she says, “Everything is going to be alright.” I wish that would happen to me – that I could meet with some concrete assurance that everything will work out. Of course, Jacqueline died of multiple sclerosis… that is fairly not ‘alright’. Those things are simply luck of the draw. But it would be nice to know that some of the choices I am making now, and some of the things I am trying so hard for will end up making me happy.
So, here is a little list:
- I will find somewhere to live that I can finally call my home.
- I will keep trying with The Mikado – even if David isn’t happy with my performance, I want to perform so well that at least I feel proud.
- I will work my butt off at this new job and search for better ones.
- I will distance myself from my parents so that they don’t control my life.
- And I definitely will write my novel, and make all the clothes I have been drawing, because I can and I shouldn’t waste this.
There. A glimmer of hope is returning!
