Out of the Dumpster

November 28, 2007 at 11:47 pm (rubbish, shopping, the wedding singer)

Auditioning for The Wedding Singer next week, though I’m not confident. Sebastian just bought and downloaded my sheet music for me, so I’m kind of roped in now. The man who is directing is also directing Tommy, and I’m really not sure how he feels about me. After my woeful auditions, I was certain that I only got into the show to make up numbers, or something like that. Now he keeps looking at me at rehearsals, and I’m imagining it is for one of the following reasons – a) I look out of place, b) He’s regretting having me in the show at all, or c) He thinks I’m really stupid and a bad performer. Sebastian thinks I’m being over-sensitive (I probably am).

I went food shopping today, for the first time since I moved in. It was very exciting – I bought a butternut pumpkin, 3 onions, 5 potatoes, 5 apples, 5 apricots, 5 oranges, 1 watermelon, 3 broccoli stalks, 1 rockmelon, tuna,  pasta, pasta sauce, and.. some almond biscuits. Yes, I have a little bit of a thing about odd numbers.  But it was exciting taking it home and thinking domestic-type thoughts about cooking it. The only problem is that I can never be bothered to cook just for myself – if Sebastian is coming over, I will make effort. Sometimes!

So, I’m down to rehashing my shopping list.. how sad. Things have been a bit topsy-turvy over the last week, and I have realized that I work and think so much better when I am settled, content and in control. Tomorrow is a super cleaning day; maybe I’ll feel a bit better then.

Until then.

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Eating Biscuits in the Dark, Alone

November 27, 2007 at 2:23 am (bedtime, biscuits, mind full of scorpions, the sophisticated one)

I am a little bit sad right now. To make up for this, I’ve been publicly over-compensating. I may seem like a hyper-charged flirt, but it’s a cover. Sorry. I’ll continue, eating biscuits in the dark, alone, thinking fatalistically about everything; maybe it’ll make me feel better.

This will pass.

Tommy is getting exciting. We’re only a handful of weeks out from theatre, and things seem to be falling into place. We organized our costumes for the Acid Queen number on Sunday – the female ensemble were ordered to rifle through a bag of black lingerie bits and pieces, pick an outfit and stand in a line for the director. I donned a tiny little black petticoatish dress that barely grazed the tops of my thighs. When he got to me, he said I could be the “pretty prostitute”, the “refined, sophisticated one”, the “posh one who charges more than the others”. I was ordered to find a choker of some sort, as well as lace gloves. It made me laugh.. at least we’ll probably be concealed by red lights. Everybody looks good under red lighting, even if they are half naked.

Bedtime? Maybe. I’m just dying to sleep in my own bed and shut everybody out for a little while.

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One More Sleep

November 23, 2007 at 4:27 pm (a summer wasting, kevin rudd, sketchbook)

Found a sketch book from 2003, the summer I spent at home, alone with my thoughts. Some things are so different (there is a list of boys I knew, with their eye and hair colour written next to their name), yet some things are just the same. I still draw marionettes on everything, I still make graphically enticing brainstorms of things that I want to do. Apparently my days are spent in a very similar fashion too.

day 1: read a whole two pages of a classic novel, prepared penne primavera and contemplated international politics.
day 2: listened to Mozart and practiced pilates; spent a great deal of time drinking chai and pondering… stuff.
day 3: ate a hamburger; played video games, experimented with bedroom wear during the daylight hours.

What have I done over the last week? Drawn pictures, wrote stories and articles, played with watercolours, laid around the house in my underwear, made white tea butter biscuits (they burnt, but Sebastian liked them anyway)… I have to try and motivate myself more.

Election night on Saturday! I’m very excited – this is the first federal election that I get to vote in, and there is going to be change. Kevin Rudd is, most likely, going to win. I’m still not entirely sure who to vote for though – I have realized that I have a tendency to vote for people I like, rather than parties I like. So, Liberal is definitely out – Peter Costello gives me the creeps. Ted Baillieu was my candidate of choice last time I had to vote, because he was smart, unpretentious, genuinely nice. There was also the sweetener of free public transport for students! Sigh.

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Work in Progress

November 19, 2007 at 9:54 pm (ambition, kindred spirits, work)

I wrote a post last night in notepad, but now it seems quite irrelevant. I ranted about some girls at rehearsal who I despise; I still dislike them with much vigor, but the heat is gone. Today was my first proper day working at the shop, and I loved it so much. I ended up exhausted, covered in glitter and excited about a job for the first time in a long time.

Also, I may have found a kindred spirit. I’m not sure of her middle name yet, so let’s call her.. Amanda. The similarities between us are scary; we came to the conclusion that we must have been sisters in another life. We both adore writing and are currently embroiled in nutting out our first novels, we both paint and draw, we both dance and sing, and funnily enough, we both have Raynaud’s syndrome. It sounds like a really stupid thing to say, but I would love to have a ‘girlfriend’, in the platonic sense of the word.

My boss is also lovely. She is a retired former Australian Ballet School student who, after raising her kids, decided to buy and run a homeware and gift shop. She’s one of the nicest people I have ever met and absolutely exuberant – she calls herself “hyper”, but I think she’s just in love with living.

Other than that, I’ve been thinking about what I want to do. No matter what they tell you in high school, there is no rule written anywhere that what you do and are has to happen after you finish a degree, or when somebody else gives you a job. Therefore, I’ve decided to make my own job title – pity it can’t quite be conveyed in one or two concise words. I have decided that this new job shall bankroll a project of mine – opening an online paperie/accessories/toy/art boutique, and seeing if I can get local stores to sell things that I have made. It’s ambitious, but there is no reason why it shouldn’t work.

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Rare and Precious Thing

November 17, 2007 at 1:30 am (absolute happiness, my heart is going to burst any minute, sebastian)

Warning: A PG or maybe even M rated post. Probably more for my own enjoyment than for yours..

sleepyhead.jpg

A fragile, precious moment in time exists right now – this very second – in my bedroom. Everything has been such a frenzy of events and obligations lately.. and now there is a little, rare moment of peace where I can just enjoy this with all my senses.

A beautiful man is asleep on my bed.

He is naked, unashamed, unaware of the fact that I am studying him and writing about him. It’s almost summer and the heat lingers inside my house, despite the fact that it is cool outside now. The fan is rattling beside me, and I’m trying to type very, very quietly. I’ve also been darting around him, very quietly, trying to take pictures of him. Alas, lighting is low and my hands are unsteady.

I love the angles of Sebastian’s face; his strong, dark brow, his aquiline nose, his ethereal cheekbones. There is light and shade, smooth and rough, fire and ice.

He has a face that he pulls in photos, especially from when he had long hair, that always reminds me of Shere Khan – the tiger from The Jungle Book. It is a fierce, haughty and proud look. When we first met in 2004, I always imagined that he hated me because of this look.

There is another look that I have only discovered in the last couple of months that I like much better.

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My Kitchen Table

November 16, 2007 at 12:29 am (drawing, mum's garage, painting, scanner)

drawings.jpgI like watercolors, I have decided.
I need a scanner.. is there one in the garage? Must remember to check next time I’m at Mum’s house.

I posted a new story – The Lake of Sunken Apricot Jam. It’s in Short Stories, to the left. Also, updated  Photographique – not totally finished, but it’s definitely bedtime now.

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Quiet Vibration Land

November 13, 2007 at 11:59 pm (random)

Paul told me that I should settle down and get married. Ha.

I’m putting a little page up (see left) about The Mikado, resplendent with some photos (credited where possible). I couldn’t talk about the show directly afterwards; it was too raw, and I still had to go through the post-show slump grieving process. It’s all over now, but luckily I’ve been able to jump straight into the next project to keep me happy.

The Geelong celebrity thing is still rooted in my thoughts. This morning I went traipsing off to the supermarket to buy some peach and pecan muesli and soy milk; the best breakfast in the whole world. I was wearing ugly clothes, hadn’t bothered to take off last night’s make-up let alone put more on, hadn’t even brushed my teeth and looked little better than when I had crawled out of bed. In the whole five minutes I was in the supermarket, practically running down the aisles (with iPod and headphones to boot), I managed to run into two people who I know. Each of them stopped me and had a little chat too, which made me feel even worse.

It’s discomforting not to have the anonymity which I enjoyed when I lived in Melbourne, but at the same time it’s nice to bask in ‘fame’, however superficial and insignificant it really is. I suppose I’ll have to make more of an effort in future before I allow myself to leave the house!

Today was ridiculous, and I decided that from now on I should plan what I’m going to do with my days, rather than waste them wondering what I should do, or worse – letting a bad mood brew and intensify all day by deliberately isolating myself. So, tomorrow I shall go for a walk/run into town, get a library card and borrow half a billion books. I will take a list of books with me to look for, so I don’t flounder and get overwhelmed when I get there, and eventually leave with nothing. I also will make some oil pastel drawings, and see if I can express myself verbally yet (a twinge of writer’s block at the moment..). I’ll do some laundry, pack away the rest of my clothes and sing the whole time, practicing belting and blending, before Sebastian comes and whisks me away to Tommy rehearsal. Exciting – we’re learning one of my favourite songs from the show tomorrow night.

So, that’s the plan. Sounds like a fun and productive day.Hopefully.

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Miss Midwest Midnight Checkout Queen

November 12, 2007 at 7:29 pm (random)

I got a job, in the right town this time! Not quite as glitzy/pathetic as the title suggests, but a job all the same – selling homewares and gifts at a beautiful shop at the mall. The lady who hired me is constantly covered in glitter from working there, and they sell all manner of flowers, paintings and general beautiful yet impractical things. I think I shall love it.. it’s so strange though – everybody who works there does (or has done) two things. Creative writing and ballet. I am thinking about taking up ballet again.. eventually. When I can stand on two feet.

But my Dad is a vile scorpion. He decided to, out of sheer spite, turn the fridge off – I had bread in the freezer (kindly bought by Sebastian) which is now completely wet with the melted frost. That’s the only food I really had, and my Dad ruined it. And then he called me and expected me to be civil. I hate him. Strong words, but I really do, and it’s not just about bread. It’s the combined weight of everything he has ever done and not done that makes this inescapable.

Tommy is happening, and I’m getting excited, which is good. For a little while after getting cast, I was so unenthused that I feared my performance would consequently be.. rubbish. But all the music is getting into my head and won’t leave me alone. Sebastian is so brilliant though; each time I see him shining and sparkling, it lifts my spirits and makes me so glad to be part of the ensemble, supporting him in his greatness, in a way. I’m not very good at the dancing, having been so long out of practice, which is unfortunate, but at least my one solo line is fairly awesome!

I wrote a while ago that how attractive a person is depends on so many more things than just the way they look. Sebastian has fire and ice in his eyes, every single thing he says and does, the way he walks.. everything. Ladies and gentlemen, I’m afraid that I am smitten.

I want to see this movie, so badly.

I think I have gotten over the Sartre-esque existential crisis I have been living recently. Freedom isn’t so much of a burden anymore, and I’m genuinely excited about everything that I can and do in this next year. Maybe I’m just having a good day – I got a job that I think I will really enjoy, my Mummy is making me a hamburger for dinner, Elle is playing cello behind me, and although I am a bit sick, it’s not so bad at this minute.

Everything will be alright.

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Melted Toblerone Under Your Dress

November 9, 2007 at 4:52 pm (random)

Things are a little sourer today. My Mother is a rampaging rhinocerous, the middle-aged women who saturate the retail sector in this town don’t like me, my Dad is coming tonight instead of tomorrow night to fill my new sanctuary full of junk and squawking siblings. Woe.. I suppose my search for a place to call home continues. Perhaps this will be my hang-up? You know how writers of old have themes that permeate all their works, because of a trauma during their childhood or a deep, dark pathological fear or desire? Maybe my thing is that I have never known a real home, and the idea of a real family is something that disappeared a long time ago.

A particularly nice vignette took place in my new bedroom last night though, and I have been musing and daydreaming about it ever since, replaying it in my head with alternate endings and things that could have been, et cetera. Sebastian took me home after rehearsal, and we snacked on spicy salmon sushi, lying on my bed under fairy lights, whilst listening to Belle and Sebastian (the Live at the BBC extra that comes with The Life Pursuit). It made me so happy that I thought my heart was going to burst. We then had a conversation about robots, which kept me up most of the night thinking about them – I even had a dream about them. I had a dream about Sebastian too.. he is such a magical, rare and precious thing; lately I cannot stop myself from thinking about him, constantly. 

I wish I could take photos of my dreams.

Other than all that, I have decided to make a serious go of trying to do some profitable writing, illustrating and conceptual design. I haven’t told my parents, because that would be the absolute key to my undoing – I think I have finally accepted that I can’t rely on them or trust them with anything at all. EVER. But I am excited about what is to come, everything I’ll do and everything I’ll achieve. It’s a whole year ahead of me, and I can do whatever the hell I want. And I shall.

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Quickie

November 8, 2007 at 3:48 pm (random)

I’m at my Mother’s house; she’s vacuuming the floor behind me and it is making a hissing sound. I have eaten nothing but apple pie cookies all day and have a mild sugar-headache. I feel vaguely transparent..

I also now live in Highton. This morning I went for a walk around my new/old suburb. I used to live there between the ages of 4 and 8, then again between 12 and 18. It is bizarre, and full of old feelings and memories. I walked passed tennis courts where I used to begrudgingly go for lessons once a week, and three of the houses I lived in various points.

There are old people everywhere; it is unnerving. They say “good morning” as you pass them on the street. There are older first-time mothers, frumpy in trackpants with greasy hair (because their husbands are at work), toting small children. There are seedy middle-aged men whose wives have let themselves go, so they take pleasure instead imagining doing bad things to 20 year old girls (who look younger) in Bambi t-shirts as they walk by. These same men also pull up to the curb and try to chat up said girls in Bambi t-shirts, which is quite disconcerting.

The whole area reeks of suburban perfection with lots of pent-up unsavouriness. I will be locking my door at night!

Unfortunately, the price of free rent is enduring my Dad’s presence 3 nights a week. I plan to gradually throw out his junk when he is not there.. he won’t notice. If he does, who needs half a shirt or an empty pill bottle anyway?

My room is very, very similar to the one I had at Caroline Street; the one that I spent my mad summer in, 2003. Then I had no job, no school to think of, wasn’t allowed to watch television or go online, nothing too “stimulating”. It’s the same now.. like I’m floating far above life and nothing is real.

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