March 28, 2008 at 7:12 pm (i hate boys)
Throw rocks at them.
I am shocked and amazed at how stupid two people are: a) my misguided, egotistical former paramour, and b) his spineless idiot hate-mongering droog.
Conclusion: If I hadn’t already discovered one of the few rare and precious individuals from the other sex, I would seriously consider lesbianism.
March 26, 2008 at 9:07 pm (family, love, sadness, sebastian)
“Ewww! Elle, you’ve got all these little white dots under your eyes! You have huge dark circles under your eyes, and lots of tiny little white dots. Oh, Rose, you have them too… ewww!” – our mother, this morning
I wish I was a golden child; I wish I was one of those children whose parents can’t stop bragging about them, who want to do everything they can to ensure their child’s happiness. There were a lot of horrible little comments flying around at my Aunt’s estate over Easter, mostly from my mother and aunt to me. About my looks, my weight, my personality, my work prospects, my goals, everything. I hate it that my own mother actually thinks I’m a disappointment, and isn’t afraid to let me know it. It’s just so encouraging..
Sebastian, on the other hand, is encouraging beyond belief. I have such a crush on my boyfriend; he is amazing. After everything that has happened recently, I had no idea that a person could be so supportive and absolutely loving. He is the best. The best.
Why am I posting this?.. Shouldn’t I be shouting how wonderful he is from the rooftops?
March 23, 2008 at 3:01 am (random)
Thank you for all the concern last post; it wasn’t very nice at all, but at least he has taken the blog down so no more people can read it. I could take legal advice, and what a laugh that would be, but it would be much much more trouble than he is worth.
It’s Easter… for somebody who is not Christian, what a lacklustre affair. Good Friday started at Sebastian’s house, spending the day “pottering around”. At lunchtime we decided that a steak and onion pie (for him) and a toasted ham and cheese sandwich for me sounded ideal, but were greeted by protest! “You can’t eat meat on Good Friday?” Sebastian’s Mum, Dad, Grandmother and other assorted guests asserted.
“Why?” we asked, munching on sandwich and pie.
They could not remember or figure out a symbolic or logical reason why we were not allowed, so we kept eating, despite being told by everybody that we were going to hell. Well at least we won’t get cold.
I also found a particularly brilliant website; Offbeat Bride. It’s a companion blog to a book by Ariel Meadow Stallings, which I will definitely have to buy. Basically the blog offers advice as well as photos of people’s non-traditional weddings. For someone who has been quite gamophobic in the past, it somehow introduces “getting married” more gently into my demographic. I have always, always been more than a bit scared of getting married*… only in very recent times have I been able to stomach the fact that I may want to one day. Seeing people wearing leopard print shrugs, having Lego bride and groom cake toppers, or even having an astronaut wedding… it seems more like something I would do if I got married than the standard formulaic wedding. I also love reading Etiquette Grrls, and I love figuring out ways that you could have a brilliantly unique wedding while still adhering to other social niceties. One section of Offbeat Bride is called “Wedding Porn”, and I just drool over all of it. Even Sebastian does.
Moving soon. There are home issues and money issues too big to be mentioned, but it looks like I will be out all by my lonesome. There are some very lovely places and some absolute dog-boxes – there is one in particular that I have my heart set on though (yes, I know it’s a bad thing and I’ll just end up disappointed, but I can’t help it!). A two bedroom flat with polished floorboards (essential!), leafy surroundings, gas cooking (also essential!) that is walking distance from the CBD of my town, thus easy public transport**. Sebastian is facing an absolute storage crisis at the moment, so it will be very easy for him to store stuff at my new digs. Excitement – it’s incredibly stressful, and due to some other things going on, it won’t be smooth sailing or easy by any strenth of the imagination. But it has to happen, and everything will feel better when it is done.
So, Easter Sunday tomorrow.. or the day I always referred to simply as ‘Easter’. I got chocolate on that day, so it was really the only one that I would remember. It just feels like such a non-event of a holiday; after the masses of chocolate I have consumed to console myself in recent times, the taste triggers memories that I am trying hard to suppress right now. Woe. ‘Easter’ when I was little was so much more fun; we would get slippers along with all the usual eggs and stuff. Functionality! Colder weather is starting to set in, so who even needs an excuse to get their child a pair of slippers? Ours all came at Easter, lined up at our places at the kitchen table, and filled with chocolate that spilt out over the placemats that we had made. One year I got a pair of slippers that, for some unfathomable reason, were simply the best. I couldn’t get enough of them, and thought they were the most beautiful things I had ever seen. I even wanted to wear them out and about. Looking back, they were actually kind of hideous – little velvety slippers with a print of pastel patchwork, pale pink fluffy lining and hot pink rubber soles. No slippers this year… I think I’ll be waiting a very long to buy anything like that now.
*Famous childhood quote -
“Don’t you want to get married and have children of your own one day?” (My Mum)
“I don’t want to waste my life. I have better things to do than clean up after other people.” (5 year old me)
** I don’t even have my learner’s permit, despite being twenty. And a half.
March 18, 2008 at 6:40 pm (the absolute worst)
I shouldn’t be letting this hurt. Six months after the fact, this shouldn’t be getting to me. The opinions of people who mean very little to me shouldn’t have any sway on my state of mind. Why has this hurt me so much then?
Last post I wrote a brief paragraph on the discovery of a slander blog by Lucien – it seems that he had intentions of blogging simply to get his feelings out, but the comments received ended up turning the whole thing into a bitch-fest. I feel angry, hurt, sad, sick and I still can’t believe it all – even conversations that I had on MSN have been copied and pasted for all to read. It appears that conversations I had with my own sister were promptly relayed to Lucien, simply to provide more fuel for the fire. Seeing as he has no qualms about quoting people without their permission, I suppose I’ll share with you some of my favourite snippets – written by Lucien and his droogs. Yes, this is unethical, but this hardly compares to the essay of hate he and his friends have written.
Seriously, i didn’t realise how used to her fringe I was until i saw her without it, it was all i could do not to gape at the size of her forehead. (Lucien)
She just looked like anyone else, and an overweight someone else at that, particularly in her face around her chin. (Lucien)HUZZAH for making the dumb slut sad. (A supporter)
What makes someone like me, a self confident 24 year old soon-to-be lawyer with the world opening up at his doorstep, bend over backwards to accomodate a childish, impulsive, selfish girl with a penchant for self-delusion? (Lucien)
The worst was a poll down the bottom of the page, asking “If Rose said she wanted Lucien back, your advice would be…”. The most popular response was “Don’t take her back, you could do better.” I can’t believe that he could be this cruel. Everybody who commented has disguised themselves with pseudonyms, but there are hints as to who they are. People who pretended to be my friends. People who told me wholeheartedly that they didn’t want to get involved on either side. People who let me cry on their shoulder before forwarding everything I said to the enemy camp.
I feel utterly betrayed and detested. I never publicized some of the less savory things he did and said to me and I still won’t, but now I wonder how things would have panned out if I had have launched an offensive like his. Break-ups are so hard and there is so much hurt in them without everybody else in the world getting involved. I am not the only one to blame… I just have a touch more class than to throw all the dirty details (tainted by more than a touch of bias and spite) out there for everybody to dissect.
This little discovery, combined with everything else that has been happening lately, is a bit too much to bear. Yes, it’s not even 7pm, but I think it might be drug-induced bedtime.
March 17, 2008 at 5:18 pm (heat, malice, sandwiches, violonjello)
The heat continues. It is actually insane – I had things I needed to do today, but I ended up doing none of them because it was just too hot. It’s 38 degrees with a hot dry wind, and the sun is absolutely beating down.
I spent the weekend making a layout for the Violonjello website. It’s gorgeous and I’m so proud; cherry red with navy and peach, some of my favourite colours. I’m actually figuring out how to use Photoshop efficiently – things that would previously have taken me all afternoon I can now do quickly and far more accurately. Here’s a little preview of what I’ve done so far – untitled-1.jpg. Yes, that’s my real name! I figure I’m going to have to ditch my psuedonym soon…
I don’t know anything about how to run my domain though. I installed WordPress in a subdomain, but nothing works! I can’t even access my traffic reports and keep getting ominous errors, so I’m understandably apprehensive about trying to install Zen Cart. I’m very confused and I can’t even call for support, because they’re in America. I’m trying desperately to figure it all out myself, but if anybody is a tech wizard, I might need your help. This is a long way from the days of Angelfire and FortuneCity, and my first junky attempt at html. I practically lifted all the images and information from another website to make my own shrine to British comedy legend Rik Mayall – it was fairly tragic. I was ten years old, honestly wanted to marry this (much) older man despite the fact he was already married and I had absolutely no idea of copyright or internet ethics.
Speaking of internet ethics, I am astonished. I stumbled across a blog so vile, so nasty, such a gruesome invasion of my privacy… basically, it was a blog devoted entirely to the verbal slaughter of yours truly. I am still reeling that somebody could be that malicious, especially when I have had the restraint and decency to not post every single horrible thing I felt and thought throughout the break-up I endured last year, including all the lurid details. All I can say is… it wasn’t a nice state of affairs to begin with, but Lucien made it a million billion times worse.
A cooking show is on television right now; I’m not watching it, but words from the narration keep popping out at me. Smoked salmon. That was the main one. I’m hungry now! Sebastian brought over Indian food for dinner last night, but it seems a bit wrong to be eating such yang food on such a hot day. I need very cool, bland things, like dainty triangular sandwiches of cucumber, or smoked salmon and cream cheese. A girl cannot survive on ice blocks alone.
March 13, 2008 at 9:35 pm (awesome cold penne, sleep, work)
Ok, so I didn’t go back to work. I still haven’t been back. The prospect of being screamed at by halfwits for 7 hours a day doesn’t thrill me, honestly. That, combined with my precarious state of mind… it might be better if I look for something else. Or join the queue at Send-a-drink (for my overseas friends, a play on the title of “Centrelink” – our welfare service for genuinely struggling people and those of a “creative temperament”, such as myself). It is harder for people whose strengths lie in creative spheres to make a living, and I think I have to stop pretending that I can do anything and stick to what I’m good at. Everything else… I’m bad at it and it sucks a little more of my spirit out of me every day.
However, in this state of getting back on track, I did manage to make the most awesome dinner in the whole world. The Southern states are being gripped by a horrid heatwave right now – today the temperature sat around 36 or 37 all day. So we needed something cool and light. I mixed up mini penne, finely sliced roasted capsicum and beef, halved cherry tomatoes, a whole bunch of torn basil leaves and crumbled Danish feta… all tossed with a little garlic and olive oil. It was to die for… Sebastian is so excited about taking some to work for lunch tomorrow.
Speaking of the boy, he’s currently asleep in my bed. I promised that I’d wake him up half an hour ago.. so I better dash. Love, love, love!
March 10, 2008 at 6:37 pm (growing up, houses, laksa, the worst thing in the world)
Back to work tomorrow; life returns to normal after two weeks from hell. I’m sure I’ll talk all about it one day. It’s the biggest thing that has ever happened to me, but for now at least, all that is left is a bunch of papers. The plan is to put them in a little box that I can hide at the back of my wardrobe, so even when I don’t have to think about it every single day, there will still be something there so I can remember that it really happened.
Despite everything that has happened, I feel older. In a good way. I’m almost 21, yet I feel like I haven’t aged mentally since 17.. until now. Suddenly I’m feeling the 20-ness; Sebastian on the other hand feels about 40. This was make or break; we’re still standing. Older, sadder, a little less naive.. but still standing.
Apart from that, I’m house-hunting with my sister. Hopefully this will end up happening… my entire family is breaking down and I feel like all I can do is grab my feelings and make a run for it. The market for apartments for one person is expensive and disappointing; for two people it’s surprisingly cheap and much, much more exciting. We’re thinking maybe about getting a third person involved, but it may be overkill. We’ll probably both get really fat – I imagine that sitting around the kitchen table eating cheese and saying bitchy things about people we know will be our prime hobby.
The plan for tonight involves downloading DOS games and playing them, watching bad Monday night television and ordering laksa to be brought to my door. So, no.. not quite grown up.
March 2, 2008 at 12:17 pm (random)
I am the best. I am the best. I am the best.
Yes, it’s just a placeholder until I actually get something together, but it excites me so much. It’s actually there; it’s mine and it’s going to happen.
It’s also handy to have Violonjello as something to work on and feel excited about… this has probably been the worst week of my entire life so far. I would give you the 411, but it’s so much worse than can be written about on a public forum. Maybe 20 years after the event I’ll be able to talk about it; now it’s too big.
But ignoring that, trying not to think about that; I am so proud of myself about Violonjello…
 | pilgrimchick on Change of a Dress |
 | Rose on Just Fabulous |
 | Elle on Just Fabulous |
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