Snuffle-Head + The Producers

April 27, 2008 at 6:24 pm (The Producers, being social, feeling real, sniffling)

I have the sniffly-snuffly-blahs.. in short, a cold. My head is stuffed up, my skin hurts, my nose feels like it is about to rocket off my face – all quite glorious. I feel sorry for Sebastian, having to be in close proximity to someone who can’t sleep without hacking and coughing and sneezing and getting up for tissues and painkillers multiple times a night. It is very strange being so near him.. Maybe it’s the medication, maybe it is this ginormous weight that has been lifted from my shoulders/spirit, but I don’t feel anymore like I need him to be here for me to function. There are still bad days, but I’m not crumbling from lack of him. Having said that, I am still missing him a bit – Wedding Singer is all-consuming and there isn’t a lot of time left over after work, show, university and computer gamess. All in all though, it feels good; I feel like I enjoy being with him so much more now that he is something that I am choosing, rather than something that I simply need to survive.

I made my first attempts at being social in a long time on Thursday and Friday, which was interesting. Thursday at Cafe Go was a little bit of a fizzer – we didn’t know anybody, and the people we did know we didn’t particularly want to talk to. Stood around for a couple of hours drinking the same beer (it was too crowded to go and get another one) talking to a few people who were similarly disillusioned. It was cold, I was wearing a little dress with bare legs (probably the reason I’m sick now) so Sebastian and I went and did something that was actually really fun – went for a midnight hamburger and spicy chicken wings (which he referred to as ‘wingdings’, which I thought was hysterical). I had heard of these legendary, fabled burgers before; gooey, greasy, huge and ridiculously bad for you. I had been told of the perils of leaving the wrapper in your car; it would stink it out for a week. So I tried. It was the highlight of the night!

Friday we went out for lovely Italian food with some equally lovely friends, then saw The Producers. I’m a bit wary of writing exactly what I thought on such a public forum – apparently EVERYBODY in the whole Geelong theatre community read what I had to say about Beauty and the Beast last time. So, I’ll just mention my favourite bits: Sebastian’s brother’s girlfriend Alicia Miller was playing Ulla in the show, and she was so amazing. I still can’t get over how good she was; her voice was incredible, her dancing was fantastic. Sebastian’s Mum commented that “her legs go all the way up to her neck”, and it’s true – I am so jealous! My mentor-of-sorts David Mackay was playing Roger De Bris as well, and he was a scream and a half; I almost cried I was laughing so hard during the Keep It Gay number. He looks fabulous in a dress, even with chest hair. I am also so, so, so glad that they chose Matt Bradford to be the Hitler youth tenor; he really deserves it.

But there were two absolute favourite moments in the show; the whole Springtime for Hitler number was just too funny. It was probably the best thing I have ever seen on stage. And the second thing was the incomparable, indefatiguable, incredibly admirable Elise Dahl – she played the chorus girl wannabe in the I Wanna Be A Producer number as well as Shirley, the lighting designer. Absolutely epic.

It is strange; normally seeing a show would spark all kinds of feelings like, “Damn, wish I had been in it! I simply have to be involved in the next one!”. Like a huge fear of missing out. I am planning to audition for  Oliver, but if I don’t make it, I won’t be too fussed. I suppose my whole self-esteem does not rest on getting into a show or getting a particular part anymore.

I have felt like a new person like that lately; I applied for a couple of jobs at the performing arts centre and did not even get shortlisted for either of them. Previously, I would have been disappointed and despondent for ages, taking the disappointment personally and letting it affect my whole view of myself as a person. Now I feel a little bit more solid. A little more real.

1 Comment

Dilemma and Other Things

April 20, 2008 at 5:54 pm (living out loud, painting, sebastian, tasi, the country, the dreaded twenties, violonjello)

I set up a Violonjello blog, roughly – but I don’t like it nearly as much as I like Pajama Empress. I’m thinking there might have to be an amalgamation between the two, or something, because I don’t see myself wanting to update this and the sad second-best Violonjello blog that I feel obliged to do.

Other than that, today I painted on canvas. It is lovely.. it’s a tiny little square painting of a sleeping matroyshka doll under a tree, in red, white, black and violet; acrylic, ink and collage. I would take photos, but my camera is buried in a mountain of boxes in Sebastian’s outside room (full of spiders). I promise I will dig it up at some point. The painting is for Sebastian, just because.

Over the last week or so, I’ve been looking at the blogs of lots of people who I admire. Mostly successful illustrators and designers with minds full of beautiful things, their lovely husbands, gorgeous children, and humble yet heartwarming lifestyles full of simple pleasures and fulfillment. In Keri Smith’s book Living Out Loud , she has a section about ‘determining a destination’. It is an activity where you are encouraged to write about your ideal life as if you are already living it. I like this, muchly – this is going in my sketchbook later. After I’ve made a happy red papercut for Sebastian’s drab white closet.

It’s so calming being here by myself during the daytime, even though I do get quite lonely. I’m looking out the window right now at a lovely pale golden horse happily munching the grass a couple of meters from where I sit, a black and white dog sleeping, sparrows chatting and pecking at the grass, trousers and socks blowing on the clothesline, and long shadows streaked across the amber grass from the almost setting sun. This, compared with where I was a few short weeks ago, seems to be the biggest thing that is making me feel better. A change of setting. It’s like being on holiday in the country. And it is so much easier to deal with things in a nice place than it is when you are surrounded by fear, filth and darkness.

Tasi called me yesterday, out of the blue. We’ve been friends for the longest time, yet we sort of fell out of sync in high school. We were at different stages, we went to schools with completely different cultures. Now it seems like we’ve finally come parallel again. Belinda once told me that now she is in her thirties, she realizes that it is not the teenage years that are full of drama, it’s your twenties – they are one drama after another with nightmares interspersed for those of a creative temperament. Seems this is true; although our teenage years were completely different, Tasi and I seem to be braving the same sorts of nightmares in what we have experienced thus far of the dreaded ‘twenties’.

But nightmares can be cured. With painting, cups of tea, warm socks, hugs and kisses.

2 Comments

Entrepreneuress

April 18, 2008 at 4:36 pm (anger, business, stress, violonjello)

My Violonjello plans are coming along nicely; I’ve shocked myself with how much work I have done over the last few days. Designing coupons, working out shipping pricing structures, arranging to be sent samples of various papers, filling out all sorts of application forms at the bank, buying various size padded envelopes to measure against things, et cetera. It’s all happening. Except for the actual making of products – seems you need money to buy paper and get things printed, so I guess I’ll just keep drawing and painting. Money I do not have, especially since Send-a-drink (Centrelink) have decided not to process my application until the 30th. There is a certain microbusiness loan that I simply need, but I can’t apply for it until I’m part of a particular program, but I can’t be part of that program until I’m classified as unemployed and receiving benefits, so ahhh!

So, that brief summary encapsulates the entirety of the things that have been on my mind in the last few days. Red tape is ridiculous. It’s kind of funny that people who aren’t unemployed can’t get any access to the program to help start up small businesses – it’s like they’re saying, “You already have a job, go and be a drone, and let’s give a million and one opportunities to everyone who wasn’t willing to go through that kind of hell.”

Grrr.

And another thing – why do print, paper and art shops employ people who don’t know the product? I went to at least four different places in my town, looking for something specific but (you would imagine) readily available. I wanted a heavyweight, cotton rag fine art paper, such as Crane or Hahnemuhle. I also wanted to know at the printing shop whether they could accept other stock, or whether you could only print on their papers. Nobody could answer my questions, and even a shop that is specifically for the sale of paper didn’t have any cotton rag fine art paper.

But I am calm.

Ish.

2 Comments

Pleasurable Events

April 14, 2008 at 11:29 pm (a list, loveliness, pleasurable events, psychobabble)

Right now I’m dabbling in some cognitive behavioural therapy to help me get back on my feet; my doctor gave me this to think about. Probably boring for everyone who already has themselves sorted out, but it blew my mind when I first saw it. I guess I’d never considered things like this before.

Everything is connected. I can’t do something, think something or feel something without it impacting on the other two. I think things are starting to click.

The other thing is that I’m meant to be seeking out ‘pleasurable events’ to include in my every day. This could be as simple as going outside and throwing the frisbee for the dogs in the sunshine. Or it could be going to the theatre. Whatever pleases me. I adore making lists, so I suppose this will be a ‘pleasurable event’ – I’m going to write a list of pleasurable events that I already do and should do! Please feel inspired and do them too; everybody deserves a bit more pleasure.

  • Cruising Etsy for lovely things that I can ooh and aah over, and maybe buy one day when I’m feeling rich. Right now the wishlist includes vintage red and gold brocade shoes, a very chic red apron featuring skulls and roses, a bookmark featuring not only Lady Lovely Locks but also Duchess Ravenwaves and a little baby’s outfit emblazoned with red matroyshka dolls, for one day.
  • Drawing pictures of trees, teacups, sugar skulls, mermaids, strange girls, matroyshka dolls, flowers, socks and umbrellas, or whatever else is beautiful.
  • Singing loudly when nobody is home; best song for this is I Will Survive, whilst dancing in one’s underwear.
  • Drinking hot, sweet, milky tea from my special cup; holding the cup in both hands to keep them warm.
  • Wearing warm socks and writing lists.
  • Hosting picnics on Sebastian’s bedroom floor. Sandwiches taste better if they are carefully cut into dainty triangles and eaten in tiny bites, followed by a very slowly peeled mandarin.
  • Looking at the real estate listings and imagining myself into my dream home, then daydreaming over how I would decorate it, et cetera (warning: this can be counter-productive sometimes – when there is nothing vaguely nice in your price range, it can lead to feelings such as “Woe, I’ll never have a place to call home”).
  • The anticipation of putting your clothes in the washing machine, waiting for them to wash, hanging them out, waiting for them to dry, then smelling the gorgeousness of dry sunshine and freshly washed cotton.
  • Making this. Then eating it.
  • Listening to the same old music and enjoying it again in a new light.
  • Napping.
  • Plotting enjoyable excursions in the none-too-distant future, such as a trip to the Arts Centre to see Matthew Bourne’s Edward Scissorhands followed by late night coffee and cake at the European Cafe.
  • Imagining what sort of tattoos I will get one day. Something gorgeously feminine, slightly rockabilly, full of rainbow splashes of loveliness. Possibly over my shoulders, like a little cardigan of colour.
  • Snuggling under a blanket, with Sebastian, a puppy or just by myself.
  • Learning more and more about printing techniques, like hot foil stamping, and figuring out that things I thought were impossible are actually quite easy.
  • Playing Age of Empires II.
  • Eating things that stain my mouth and lips, like raspberries or blue icy poles.
  • Normal kisses, eskimo kisses, butterfly kisses, toe-curling kisses, sleepy kisses, hungry kisses, polite kisses, stealth kisses, lift-me-off-the-ground-and-twirl-me-around kisses, and hugs too.
  • Watching the reflected half-light dancing like the northern lights through the blinds onto Sebastian’s wall before I get out of bed.
  • Planning my first ever business trip (!) to Adelaide.
  • The warmth of falling asleep in the arms of someone you love dearly.

The last one seems particularly nice right now; it’s a bit cold. I think I’ll jump into bed now, and wait for Sebastian to come home.

1 Comment

By September

April 8, 2008 at 5:03 pm (daydreaming, faith, hope, me)

I do this every year, I know, but it seems particularly pertinent now. Things have to change, otherwise I’m out of the game. In September, I’ll be 21… officially grown-up in a much more mature way than being 20. I want things to be different when I am 21. So, a list: things I will do, and things I won’t. More for my own sanity than yours, so ignore if you were looking for something entertaining.

  • I will have a home of my own, decorated as I like. I will feel safe and happy there; it will be clean, ordered, beautiful, and a nice place to come back to. I won’t allow myself to hide in it – it will be my temple, my salon, rather than my cave. If I want to cry, I can cry; but I will cry in a beautiful bedroom, between crisp sheets, rather than isolating and cloistering myself in a toxic environment away from the things that could make me feel better.
  • I will take care of myself. I will make myself take my medication, wake up in the morning, go for walks, wash my clothes, eat regularly.. all the things that I currently let slip when I am feeling like rubbish.
  • I will get some sort of pet. As much as I would love a puppy, I think it may be difficult finding a place to live that would let me have one. So, even a goldfish or a canary. Just something that depends on me for its existence, something to love and take care of.
  • I won’t let negative influences touch me; whether it is taking a job that I know is too much for me, or answering phone calls from people I don’t particularly want to speak to.
  • I will base my opinion of myself on what I want to be, rather than what other people want me to be.
  • I will wear pretty dresses, try interesting recipes, listen to beautiful music, watch soul-moving films, tell Sebastian what he is to me, draw, paint and sing every single day.
  • I will make Violonjello brilliant; I will work on designing and marketing every single day to help it grow into something small into something big and exciting.
  • I will find a job that I enjoy and work enough hours to sustain myself and save a little; I will not work full time just because my parents think I should. I have no dependents, I do not have kids; there is no reason why I should sacrifice my sanity for a couple of extra bucks.
  • I will stop apologizing for myself unless I have actually done something wrong. My existence is not something that needs to be apologized for.
  • I will be happy.

4 Comments

Orphanage

April 6, 2008 at 3:50 pm (food, hope, sebastian, stumbling, the doldrums, woe)

I suppose if you don’t really have a family, you just have to make one. In my case, my family probably consists of Sebastian, Elle and my dog Xiao-Gui.. the people I feel most comfortable with, who I share mostly everything with, who I know I can trust. Even though my ‘real family’ are pretty much a total waste of time, I suppose I should be glad that I have any sort of family.

Have had a little bit of a breakthrough with Violonjello. I have decided to sell on Etsy; it seems like it would be just to complicated and expensive at this point in time to organize e-commerce, ssl, credit card processing et cetera for my website. I would rather just get things moving and go out on my own later on. So, my main project now is actually to get enough money together to order supplies and start producing things! It’s a little bit exciting, but on my income (i.e. $0), it may take a little while.

Tonight I’m making risotto for Sebastian’s family. Very nervous; I’m doing this (along with cleaning and other things) as a sort of ‘repayment’ for them letting me stay here. My plan for the risotto is just the traditional Milanese way (parmesan, pepper, saffron, butter, et cetera) with some finely chopped pumpkin and some wilted spinach leaves. Or I might make a sort of salad with the spinach leaves, and maybe a crushed tomato vinaigrette , I’m not sure yet. I hope I can decide before I have to make it..

It is strange being here. There is so much tension in this house already; I feel like I just make it a million times worse. Sometimes I get this overwhelming urge to just leave – I just want to go home. But where is home? I suppose it’s here for the moment. I just want so badly to have a little place of my own. Where nobody is allowed except me, unless I invite them in. A place that I can decorate as I like, and indulge in my secret single behavior (i.e. eating toast over the sink so I don’t have to wash a plate, flicking my head around like a helicopter after towel drying my hair, taking off my bra while lying on the couch watching television). I’m not very good at being at ease with people; being surrounded by people constantly is stressful.

Enough.. I’m still sitting in my pajamas, because all my clothes (all the ones I brought with me) are hanging on the line, wet. Maybe they’ll be dry, but in any case, I should probably start this risotto.

2 Comments

Private Things

April 2, 2008 at 3:45 pm (rules)

I’ve heard through the grapevine that there are people I know in real life who are reading this without being invited; perhaps I should password-protect everything? I don’t think so, then I’d be driving away potential kindred spirits who I don’t know yet.

However, last post needed a password. There are certain things I don’t want to tell people unless they’re sure they can deal with it. Certain people I know can’t deal with it, and even if they ask, no password for them. But if you’d like to read, email me at just_like_marie_antoinette[at]hotmail.com[dot]com and we’ll see about this password.

1 Comment

Protected: The Water is Much Deeper

April 2, 2008 at 3:28 pm (the absolute worst)

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:


Enter your password to view comments