Change of a Dress

June 25, 2008 at 7:27 pm (random)

I guess this is it. Real life seems to be happening and I have a choice to jump on board or stay right here.

You can still find me at the Violonjello blog – http://violonjello.typepad.com

Come by and buy something someday at the shop.. things should be listed by the end of the week.

Love, cupcakes, best wishes and a million hugs for everybody who has listened to all my self-indulgent whining!

xoxox

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Irrational Exuberance

June 17, 2008 at 10:33 pm (scared, violonjello)

Schedule for tomorrow:

  • Wake up at a ridiculous hour and have a shower while still half-zombified.
  • Attend a superfluous appointment with a government office simply so that they can claim money for having ‘referred’ me to something, despite the fact that I found the program all by myself.
  • Catch a bus into town and eat an apricot danish. Restrain self from getting another one.
  • Wander on down to Cavalier and get business plan and financial summary printed in all their silky, colourful glory.
  • Grab some 25mm white bias binding for Sebastian’s Mum.
  • Pick up black and white coat from dry-cleaners (dirty after unfortunate recent drunken disgustingness).
  • Saunter into a small room with calming music and overbearing scents, to have hair ripped out of delicate places by a girl who hopefully won’t look like a porn star.
  • Limp down the street and possibly need another apricot danish.
  • Present my super-duper business plan for a woman called Monica, complete with dubious financial information.
  • Sign a contract. Scary.
  • Go home, with a full-time job doing something that I love.

Why is this so terrifying?

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Just Fabulous

June 12, 2008 at 2:38 pm (bad dreams, ridiculousness, sex and the city, violonjello)

I saw Sex and the City last night.. very happy.  I practically waltzed out of the cinema, speaking in that terribly lofty, self-enchanted way that Carrie does. It was fabulous.

I loved the way that the characters aren’t so Austenesque anymore – they’re not looking for love at any cost, they’ve found it, and love isn’t the absolute everything that they expected it to be. It can break, it can hurt, it can be everything you thought you always wanted but not be what you actually want. Oh, there were so many things I loved about the film.. obviously, it had problems (Charlotte and Samantha lost out in terms of storyline) but I can look past them for how fabulous it was.

Apart from that, I am a busy little girl – the list of things to do today and tomorrow includes painting and collaging a matryoshka doll set, cutting and stitching together felt flowers, varnishing a whole bunch of chiyogami slide tins, making at least one paper sculpture, getting some prints made and doing some watercolour/ink drawings. My business plan is coming along nicely, but I’m suddenly acutely aware of the fact that it needs lots of colour and lots of photos. A black and white size 12 Arial plan could suit a black and white size 12 Arial sort of business; mine is more like some whimsical font you’ve never heard of, in all kinds of sizes, using every colour you can imagine too.

I am busy, and I am happy, but it’s strange.. I suppose it’s what Charlotte felt in the film last night. Everything is going so well and there is so much promise for the future; everything is coming together. But I am petrified that it will all fall away and I’ll be back where I started. I keep having bad dreams; so bad that they sew seeds of doubt in my mind that linger and fester and can ruin the mood of an entire day. Last night’s dream was particularly bad, because it seemed so real. In the dream, I walked along the track that I always do, and the wind was just as rough as it is today; I walked under the bridges I always do, and over one, and I noticed a car parked near where my bus stop is. Inside.. something not very nice was happening. There was confrontation, nastiness, and it ended with me running back to Sebastian’s house and then feeling like, “What am I doing here? This isn’t my home.. I have no where to go..” et cetera. The dream was full of this feeling; where you feel like your world has been pulled out from under you, and the things you have hesitantly let yourself become vulnerable to turn around and stab you in the heart.

So, triangle thing! That’s the only thing I can think about to stop it from getting bigger. Eating a mandarin helps too – there is something so calm and contemplative about peeling it and eating each segment individually.

Enough. This has been so unproductive.

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Diamonds Aren’t a Girl’s Best Friend

June 1, 2008 at 11:59 pm (auditions, eek, oliver, random, sebastian)

Auditioned today.. how nervewracking. I sang Feed the Birds to audition for the October production of Oliver; I had the dance audition last week and felt I went quite well. I suppose I went well today too, because I have to come back to sing for the parts of Bet and Nancy on Thursday.

I really, really don’t know if I’m capable of Nancy though. She is supposed to be able to go down to a low F, and I can only really make the A or the G above it. I can go as high as you want, but getting these lower notes was so hard for me today.

Other successes: Sebastian got a callback for Bill Sykes, so did his younger brother, Beau. His brother’s girlfriend Alicia who just played Ulla in The Producers also got a callback for Nancy, so everybody is very, very careful with what they say to each other. It’s so odd being pitted against each other like this, but there are odd dynamics in play anyway.

Alicia and Beau are going to be engaged; apparently this is inevitable now. The whole situation is making me feel incredibly strange. The other morning I woke up to a conversation in the next room between the couple and Sebastian’s parents, talking about an engagement party, children, houses.. all manner of grown-up things. Looking at the two of them, you can see that they will end up together, but he is 20 and she is 21. Can somebody really foretell how they will feel for the entire rest of their life when they have lived less than a quarter of it (fate willing)? Sebastian’s Mum makes all kind of comments like, “Well, I hope that I have my boys to myself for a good few years yet!”, but everybody just seems to be going along with everything so… I guess, excitedly.

I feel odd about it. Sebastian’s grandmother came up behind Alicia yesterday morning and gave her a huge hug – very uncharacteristic. Alicia expressed surprise, and Pauline explained: “You’re going to be my granddaughter soon!”.

It is not pressure – there is no pressure on me, especially not from Sebastian. I suppose it is expectation. The imminent engagement is a topic that is thrown around willy-nilly; disected, discussed, analysed, speculated upon endlessly. They are not even engaged yet, and they are planning a party. Sebastian’s mother and I were shopping the other day, looking at a million and one engagement rings to suggest to Beau – she was asking if it was “Alicia-ish enough”, comparing prices, diamond weights, et cetera. Call me old-fashioned, but I’d rather not know if I was about to be proposed to. What is the point in asking a question you already know the answer to? I think it is a lot more gallant and it shows a lot more courage and strength of feeling to ask “Will you marry me?” if there is no foregone conclusion of success.

I guess I’m worried that if they get engaged, the focus will switch – suddenly there will be pressure where there wasn’t before. It’s traditionally an embarrassment to have your younger siblings get married before you – one of Sebastian’s friends is married, with twins, and I find comparisons or “Why can’t you be like Scott?” sentiments are thrown around a bit.

Ok, in conclusion – I am worried that once they get engaged, my relationship will be under the same kind of scrutiny, subject to the same kind of speculation and imbued with the same outside expectations.

Bleh..

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